Making Lives Simpler - Free email Newsletter
Practical News and Tips
for Living the Life
You Truly Desire
In This Issue:
I. Asserting Yourself
II. Five Quick Tips
III. Their Quotes
IV. References
V. Resources
I. ASSERTING YOURSELF
Recently, someone said to me that I wasn't assertive. That caught me totally off guard. I felt that I’m assertive when I need to be. I get what I want. I'm doing what I want. I spend my days how I want.
But I asked a few people anyway if they thought I needed to be more assertive. Most said no and were even more surprised that I asked.
Assertiveness is a way of being, a trait, and a behavior. It isn't about being pushy or making an all-out effort to win or succeed at all costs, that's aggressiveness. Assertiveness is about using appropriately honest and direct expressions of both positive and negative feelings in various situations.
Simply put, it’s about expressing your feeling, stating and asking for what you really need, and saying no to something you don't want.
Now there is a big difference between “asking for what you need“ and just going after and “getting what you want.”
For instance, when I'm wishy washy in making a request of others, I'm not clear in asking for what I need. It is because I might feel as if I am imposing or I feel guilty. This sends the message that I'm not sure what I want and my feelings are not taken into consideration.
When I do go after what I want, when I am being more aggressive, I just think of it as acting independently. I just do what I need to do. However, the result is that while I get what I want, other people remain unaware of my feelings and I remain unaware of theirs.
In either case, the problem is that I'm the only one who really knows what I really need and how I'm feeling about it. When I'm not getting my needs or wants met, it can be confusing, and my life actually stops being simple because then things take more effort and energy.
Assertive behavior involves asking for what you want…or saying no to something you don't want…in a simple, direct fashion. You don't negate, attack or manipulate, you communicate your feelings and needs honestly and directly, and you stand up for yourself and your rights without apologizing or feeling guilty.
You might discover that your assertiveness or lack of assertiveness is situational or people specific. My problem is that I have a habit (and not a very productive one!) of assuming that other people, particularly my family members, already know what I want…I have a habit of assuming that they are mind readers!
Recently, I had an opportunity to "practice" being assertive by making what I thought were some big requests of my family members. And yes, it does take practice. I got to practice a few times because I wasn't completely honest and specific in my initial request. When I finally shared what I really needed, it impacted a whole lot of people having to rearrange a whole lot of plans. Not only did I expend a bunch of energy trying to initially "make do" with alternate plans, I realized afterwards how much simpler my life, and theirs, would have been if I said exactly what I needed initially.
I then had the opportunity to make a specific request of two of my friends and I must admit that it felt very awkward. But it was fine for them and they had no problem responding to my request. The awkwardness was all on my end.
It may also take time for others to adjust to your new behavior of acting assertively. However, you may then be surprised to see that your assertive behavior brings you increased respect from them! And overall you'll certainly simplify your life when you begin to get more of what you need as a result of asking assertively.
So, make the change. Start asking for what you need beginning today! Just keep in mind when making these types of changes in your life, they are processes – not projects. The changes won't happen over night, but they will last a lifetime.
Warmly,
LindaII. FIVE QUICK TIPS
1. Develop an awareness of your own unique feelings, needs, and wants. Being in touch with your feelings is the starting point to becoming assertive.
2. There are two steps to assertive communication: Saying how you are feeling inside and saying out loud what changes you would like.
3. Practice assertiveness spontaneously. Is it uncomfortable because someone smoking right next to you, did someone cut in front of you in line, is your neighbor's dog barking while you are trying to go to sleep? Make a request that is nonjudgmental, but firm, simple and to the point.
4. You can pre-develop an assertive response to some of your problem situations. Practice by writing out your assertive response and then practice saying your requests out loud.
5. Learn to say no. Set limits and take control of the demands for your time and energy. Say no when it conflicts with your own needs and desires.III. THEIR QUOTES
"Perhaps if one really knew when one was happy one would know the things that were necessary for one's life." - Joanna Field
Source: Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach
"Our actions are the springs of our happiness or misery." - Philip Skelton
Source: The Book of Positive Quotations by John Cook
"Life is a grindstone. But whether it grinds us down or polishes us up depends on us." - L. Thomas Holdcroft
Source: Body, Mind and Spirit by Anonymous
"Self-awareness--recognizing a feeling as it happens--is the keystone of emotional intelligence... the ability to monitor feelings from moment to moment is crucial to psychological insight and understanding... People with greater certainty about their feelings are better pilots of their lives, having a surer sense of how they really feel about personal decisions..." - Daniel Goleman
Source: Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman
IV. References
Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy
by Sarah Ban Breathnach
Daily thoughts and insights on getting in touch with your authentic self. This practical, inspirational daily guide provides a meditation or exercise for every day of the year to help pare down our lives and clear through mental clutter. Breathnach's Daybook features 366 essays penned from a woman's perspective.
Awaken the Giant Within
by Anthony Robbins
The creator of acclaimed personal achievement programs and the author of the best-selling Unlimited Power reveals the proven steps to self-mastery. Robbins shares the secrets of his exclusive "Date with Destiny" seminars, describing how unconscious beliefs control our behavior and how we can make immediate changes to accomplish our goals.
Radical Honesty: How To Transform Your Life By Telling The Truth
by Brad Blanton
In this revolutionary and entertaining guide, a renowned Gestalt therapist explains how the power of Radical Honesty can be used to reduce stress and anxiety, overcome depression, foster passionate and intimate relationships, and more.
To find more references, go to Self-Help Books.
V. Resources
Hypnosis Audio Downloads
The Power of Hypnosis is now available from the privacy of your own computer.
The downloads listed below have all carefully crafted by professional hypnotherapist educators with proven track records. Just click on the title below and order now for only $8.95 per download - with discounts for multiple purchases!
Assertiveness Training
Say what you mean, calmly and clearly, right when you need to. The assertiveness training download includes:
* An original '4 step' assertiveness technique to help you be clear on what needs to be said
* Hypnotic rehearsal to ensure that when you use the model, you automatically stay relaxed
* Keeps your thoughts clear so you can follow through properly
Building Self Confidence
Quickly build your self-confidence before stressful events
The Quick Confidence Booster will lead you through a powerful hypnotic rehearsal, preparing your mind and body to respond the way you want.
Building Self Esteem
Low self-esteem can make many things difficult. You blame yourself for things that aren't your fault; you underestimate your abilities, and you expect things to go wrong for you. This gentle yet powerful hypnosis download will build your self-esteem by helping you...
* Be fair to yourself
* Be more objective about your good qualities
* Feel better about your self
* Be more confident in your abilities
* Be calm when you think about yourself and your future
* Think more positively
Linda Manassee Buell is a full-time Personal and Business Coach and Consultant through her company Simplify Life.
Linda is the author of the tips booklet, "Simplify Your Life, 101 Ways to Create the Life You Love," the audiotape, "Simplify Your Life, 7 Simple Strategies for Doing What You Love to Do," and the workbook, "Simplify Your Life: A Journey of Personal Discovery," and has published the second edition of her book, "Panic and Anxiety Disorder, 121 Tips, Real-life Advice, Resources & More."
To order your personal copy of any of the above by check or credit card, just click here.
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The contents herein are solely the opinions of Simplify Life and Linda Manassee Buell.
"Making Lives Simpler" © 2006 Simplify Life
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